The Dead Seeker Sketch
by Chika-chan
Summary: Like Monty Python? Like Harry Potter? Don't mind Draco being a dead Seeker? Then you'll like this! (hopefully)


Warnings: you will only understand this if you have ever heard or seen Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch, and if you know what Harry Potter is.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not Harry Potter characters, not the Dead Parrot Sketch, nothing. Author is not responsible for any brain damage that may occur due to extreme stupidity. Without further ado . let the show begin.  
  
The Dead Senshi Sketch  
  
Oliver: [entering a shop, dragging Draco's body behind him] I wish to register a complaint!  
  
[The owner does not respond]  
  
Oliver: 'Ello, miss?  
  
Sirius: [turning around] Who are you calling "miss"?  
  
Oliver: [a long pause] I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!  
  
Sirius: We're closin' for lunch --  
  
Oliver: [interrupting] Never mind that, my good man! I wish to complain about this Seeker that I bought, not half an hour ago, from this very boutique.  
  
Sirius: Oh, yes. The uh, the Slytherin Seeker. [pause] What's wrong with him?  
  
Oliver: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my good man. [another pause] He's dead, that's what's wrong with him.  
  
Sirius: No, no. He's uh [pause] he's restin'.  
  
Oliver: Look, laddie, I know a dead Seeker when I see one. [Draco is whomped onto the table] And I'm looking at one right now.  
  
Sirius: No, no, he's not dead. He's sleeping. Remarkable Seeker, isn't he, eh? Beautiful hair!  
  
Oliver: The hair don't factor into it! He's stone dead!  
  
Sirius: No, no, no! He's just sleeping.  
  
Oliver: [pauses while he contemplates things] All right then, I'll wake him up! [shouting into Draco's ear] HELLO, DRACO MALFOY! I'VE GOT A FIREBOLT FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP!!!  
  
Sirius: [hits one end of the table] See! He moved!  
  
Oliver: That was you slamming a hand on the table!  
  
Sirius: I never touched it!  
  
Oliver: YES! YOU! DID! [Yelling and hitting the table repeatedly] 'ELLO, PRISSY!!! TESTING, TESTING, ONE TWO THREE!!! THIS IS YOUR FRIENDLY NINE O'CLOCK ALARM CALL!!! [starts banging Draco's head on the table. Throws him across the room] Now that's what I call a dead Seeker!  
  
Sirius: He's eh [pause] he's stunned.  
  
Oliver: STUNNED?!  
  
Sirius: Yeah. Anyone would be stunned after being thrown across the room. You stunned him just as he was wakin' up. Malfoys stun easily!  
  
Oliver: Now -- now look. That Seeker is most definitely deceased, and when I purchased him less than half an hour ago from this boutique, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired and shagged out from chasing too many Snitches that he couldn't catch!  
  
Sirius: Well [pause] eh, he's um [pause] he's probably pining for the fields.  
  
Oliver: PINING FOR THE FIELDS?! What sort of talk is that?! WHY ARE HIS ROBES GLUED ON?!  
  
Sirius: Well of course they are. If I hadn't glued them on, he'd have yanked them off, shouted 'hocus pocus', and gone tearing after more snitches.  
  
Oliver: Hocus pocus?  
  
Sirius: Yeh  
  
Oliver: Mate, this Seeker wouldn't go 'hocus pocus' if you shot him up with Ecstasy and gave him wasabi to finish it off! He's bleedin' demised!  
  
Sirius: No, no! He's pining!  
  
Oliver: He's NOT pining! He's passed on! This Seeker is no more! He's kicked the bucket! He has ceased to be! If we drew him right now there'd be 'x's where his eyes are and his tongue sticking out! His blood is no longer flowing, his heart is no longer beating! If he weren't here he'd be six feet under! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! [pause] He's a stiff! [pause] His metabolic processes have come to an end! If you hadn't glued his clothes on he'd be swimming with the fish or pushing up the daisies! He's no longer in the land of the living, he's ready to be come vulture food! All statements that this Seeker is a going concern are hereby inoperative! He's not ventilated, he's shuffled off her mortal coil, he's off the broom, he's run down the Quaffle and gone to join the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS A LATE SEEKER!!!  
  
[there is a long pause]  
  
Sirius: Well. I'd better replace him, then. [he disappears behind the counter for a minute and comes back with another boy behind him]  
  
Oliver: What's the news?  
  
Sirius: Well, I've had a look 'round back, and the only other Seeker I could find is this scrawny lookin' thing.  
  
[Oliver inspects Harry]  
  
Sirius: He's a Gryffindor.  
  
Oliver: Does he uhm [embarrassed pause] does he like er, well, other men?  
  
Sirius: [blinks] uh, yeah!  
  
Oliver: Right, I'll take that one then!  
  
[He grabs Harry who blushes furiously and takes him back to the Quidditch fields. There he is pounced on by not only Oliver, but Fred and George as well, and they, er . . . . CENSORED]  
  
THE END 


End file.
